Death By Silence (Yes I’m Still Alive, and I have things to share!
Maybe it only lasted an hour, or 10 minutes, or 6 months. Or maybe it was one that paralyzed you so deeply that you thought you may never escape? That the silence might actually rob you of your ability to breathe, to converse, to exist?
One such moment was this one. In the car, shortly before Alex was born. Moments like this were daily bread in 2010. I'll share more about WHY I'm telling this particular story after the story.
“We’re sitting in the car again. It’s time to drop him off, and I don’t want him to go, because there is so much I need to say about how I’m feeling, about how much I love him, and how much the way he acts hurts me.
We sit in silence.
My mind races with 100 different variations on what I want to say, searching for a way of sharing my truth without hurting him.
20 minutes later I realize I haven’t said a word outloud, and neither has he. Just running in painful circles in my mind.
We do this silent dance for another 30 minutes. Neither of us willing to break the moment of paralysis. Finally, we manage some incredibly awkward goodbyes, and that’s it.
Except for the part where for the next 24 hours I beat myself up relentlessly for not talking about the things that really need to get talked about. For not asking about the things that really matter about our unborn child, my fears about his drinking, our love and the sickness that permeates it, and about the life together that I so desperately want to be real.”
Silence was one of my greatest enemies.
That story is from almost 5 years ago, but the pattern of it is just as true now as it was then. The fear, and the silence. The fear of saying what is in my heart, what is true for me. For fear of the judgment or dis-approval of others. For fear of standing out, being heard (or hurt) and being vulnerable in the space.
I know, without a doubt, that silence is my #1 Self Sabotage Technique. (I'll talk more about my journey with Healthy Self Sabotage soon!)
In fact, I wrote this article January 1st 2015, with the intention of sending it out January 7th, after spending a week sitting on it. On the 7th, I wrote another article, and put it in a folder clearly marked “2015 Weekly Blogs” The week after that I wrote another one, saved it, just the same.
By week 4, I couldn’t bring myself to write, because I knew I was trapped in a ring of silence. This is not the first time it’s happened to me. And it won’t be the last. In March had a little laugh about it, because that’s what you get for starting the year with a blog article on SILENCE. 😉
And it's poked it's head up, every month or so, (you going to share that blog on silence you wrote? huh? Ready to do that yet??) And now here we are in July. JULY! Not 7 days later, but 7 months later, I'm finally ready to share.
I'm finally ready to share, because something has shifted. The fear of your judgement has relaxed and released in me. Maybe it was the night of ceremony and sacred plant journey that loosed an old emotional scar and let me finally share. Maybe it's just the accumulation of all the work I've done on myself around my fear of sharing. Or maybe it's that it is finally "divine time" and so the words I've been writing, the videos I've been recording, and the courses that I've created, are now finally ready to be birthed.
Many of you haven’t heard from me in at least a year, maybe 2.
And it’s because what happened in the last 5 years was difficult, trying, painful, exhilarating, liberating, and transformative. I underwent, what I am now seeing as my transition from caterpillar into butterfly. But along the way, the caterpillar I was, got liquefied, terrified, and needed to be SUPER brave. That meant that I didn’t blog, and you didn’t hear from me as I traveled between Canada and Mexico with a now 4.5 year old son, left a relationship that had been dragging me down for years, had a complete breakdown, launched 2 businesses, and had one of them “fail” despite feeling that it was my super destiny to launch that thing, fired all my friends (at least twice), and then finally picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got my life back together. Along the way I rebuilt myself and I learned a LOT about business, brain re-wiring, and perseverance and dedication to a path.
It’s tricky to talk about what's going on in our lives, when we don’t know what the end result will be.
While we are in process, we are processing. It’s a really difficult place to share from, when things are still uncertain and painful and unresolved, and for me I needed time to go inside, process and understand myself. I trust that you understand, and that you’re willing to have me back in your inbox, because I’ve got some really amazing things I want to share now.
I’m going to start sharing some of the stories from that silent journey I went on. Because what happened, who I became, and the powerful processes I created to get myself out of miserable-mans-land, are a part of my mission here on earth, and I can’t NOT share them, not matter how much Self Sabotaging Silence I have in myself.
I couldn’t share with you WHILE it was happening. But with a little perspective, I’m going to get downright truthful, vulnerable and honest in sharing it NOW. Because human vulnerability is one of the most powerful forces on earth when it comes to building connection, sharing truth and changing lives.
Can you relate?
Can you think of a time when you wanted to say something, but it got lost in a cloud of silence, and you just let the moment pass? How about one where you felt the urge to hide and spoke out anyways? How did you feel about it afterwards?
I'd love to hear back from you via email, or comment over on the Love Pixel Facebook Page
Tons of Love!
PS. Alex and I from last winter, he's now 4.7!