Death by Silence
“We’re sitting in the car again. It’s time to drop him off, and I don’t want him to go, because there is so much I need to say about how I’m feeling, about how much I love him, and how much the way he acts hurts me. We sit in silence.
My mind races with 100 different variations on what I want to say, searching for a way of sharing my truth without hurting him. 20 minutes later I realize I haven’t said a word out loud, and neither has he. Just running in painful circles in my mind. We do this for another 30 minutes, manage some incredibly awkward goodbyes, and that’s it. Well, except for the part where I beat myself up for not talking about the things that really need to get talked about, the things that really matter about our son, my fears about his drinking, our love, and about the life together that I so desperately want to be real.”
Silence is one of my biggest enemies. That story is from almost 3 years ago, but the pattern, the fear, the silence are just as true now as they were then. The fear of saying what is in my heart, what is true. For fear of the judgment or dis-approval of others. For fear of standing out, being heard (or hurt) and being vulnerable in the space.
I know without a doubt that silence is my #1 Self Sabotage Technique.
I wrote this article January 1st, with the intention of sending it out January 7th, after spending a week sitting on it. On the 7th, I wrote another article, and put it in a folder clearly marked “2015 Weekly Blogs” The week after that I wrote another one, saved it, just the same.
By week 4, I couldn’t bring myself to write, because I knew I was trapped in a ring of silence. This is not the first time it’s happened to me. And it won’t be the last. I had a little laugh about it, because that’s what you get for starting the year with a blog article on SILENCE. 🙂
Many of you haven’t heard from me in at least a year, maybe 2. And it’s because what happened in the last year was difficult, trying, painful, exhilarating, liberating, and transformative. I underwent, what I am now seeing as my transition from caterpillar into butterfly. But along the way, the caterpillar I was, got liquefied, terrified, and needed to be SUPER brave. That meant that I didn’t blog, and you didn’t hear from me as I traveled to Mexico with a now 3 year old son, left a relationship that had been dragging me down for years, had a complete breakdown, launched 2 businesses, and had one of them “fail” despite feeling that it was my super destiny to launch that thing, fired all my friends (at least twice), and then finally picked myself up, brushed myself off, and got my life back together. Along the way I rebuilt myself and I learned a LOT about business, brain re-wiring, and perseverance and dedication to a path.
It’s tricky to talk about stuff when we don’t know what the end result will be. While we are in process,. It’s a really difficult place to share from, when things are still uncertain and painful and unresolved, and for me I needed time to go inside, process and understand myself. I trust that you understand, and that you’re willing to have me back in your inbox, because I’ve got some really amazing things I want to share now.
I’m going to start sharing some of the stories from that silent journey I went on. Because what happened, who I became, and the powerful processes I created to get myself out of miserable-mans-land, are a part of my mission here on earth, and I can’t NOT share them, not matter how much Self Sabotaging Silence I have in myself.
I couldn’t share with you WHILE it was happening. But with a little perspective, I’m going to get downright nasty and vulnerable sharing it NOW. Because human vulnerability is one of the most powerful forces on earth when it comes to building connection, sharing truth and changing lives.
Somewhere along the way (I’m pretty sure it was being bullied in Elementary School) it became safer for me to be silent, than to be heard. Especially around things I care about! A huge part of my success in releasing that past damage and trauma came from learning how to beat that silence, open my mouth anyways and say what I really meant to say.
Can you relate? Can you think of a time when you wanted to say something, but it got lost in a cloud of silence, and you just let the moment pass? How did you feel about it afterwards?
This is a huge issue for those of us who promote on facebook, newsletters, etc. In fact being scared of what people think (along with not knowing what to say) is one of the biggest issues that Evolutionary Entrepreneurs face. I’ve got a plan to help.
Here’s your quick fix assignment for the week. This week’s theme is Spiritual Connection. So we’re going to do an exercise in trust. I want you to think about ONE thing that’s really really got a silence zipper on it right now. Something you’ve been avoiding talking about for a while.
Once you’ve got the thing. I want you to fill in the blanks with the appropriate words for YOUR issue.
Dear (person/thing that needs talking to),
Do you have time to listen for a moment?
I really want to tell you something, but I’m scared you’ll think _____________ (what you’re scared would happen if it went badly). So I’ve been avoiding saying it. What I’d really like is, ______________ (what you hope will happen from sharing).
Are you able to listen?
And then share your thing! It seems simple, but this little pre-face makes it SO much easier to share.
I’d love to hear from you on what you learned about yourself from that!
ps. Have you ever tried being vulnerable and have it fly up in your face? I’m constantly living on the edge, and next week I’ll share more about the V word, and my own struggles with it in relationship to my business.
pps. I really want to tell you something, but I’m scared you’ll think I’m stupid. I’m not quite ready to share, when I am, would you be willing to listen?