I Hate myself. And that’s okay.

I came to my journey of self love from despair, from hatred, from lonelyness. I came to it as a backlash and a desperation to be free of where I was. I have been practicing my self love habbits daily for 9 months now.. It has taken me from despair, stress, overwhelm.. To giggling happy joy as a general state of being. For this I am SO greatful.

And yet this week when someone said to me “I feel this self loathing, this hatred, deep inside of you that you are holding on to” I had to agree.

On friday this week I had an amazing experience of energetic vortex, and a complete acceptance of my self hate. This peice shares my journey. Thank you to Rovena Skye, Lawrence Lanoff and Monique Darling for facilitating this amazing piece of transformation in my life.

How I came to accept that I hated myself

Last night at the puja we opened the vortex Lawrence style.

He guided us through exercise
where anything that we no longer needed
was drawn into the vortex
and it was a profound and painful experience for me.

I’m all about joy
and I’m comfortable expressing my joyGasms
and getting into that sexy space
and feeling the pulse of the universe.

So I’m laying on the floor intertwined.
Our legs wrapped together.
My hand on the heart of my sweetheart with 3 other people.
And two other people had their hands on my heart.

A mashup of light and getting vulnerable and emotionally naked,
creating an amazing network of human flesh and intentions.
All focused around the idea of experiencing the most pleasure
that we could possibly experience.

As we moved into the space
I could feel the people around me begin to twitch and rise in their ecstasy.
Some people moan and groan, cry out,
and I am so grateful for witnessing it.
I’m not the only one who can express like that!
Not the only one whose arms open wide
and everybody loses the control that imposes
on the Gathering joy
that rocks through them.

and yet it stares me in the face of my own experience
I can feel the people around me vibrating
I can hear their sounds in that moment

I was numb
how closed up
my heart closed
my yoni closed

We’re being guided by Lawrence to
open open open open more

I know what would be best
to do those things to relax
But I could feel me

I feel me, closed, cold, numb,
witnessing, not experiencing.

I knew underneath that when I’m relaxing
The emotions released that I was feeling
would not be joy – would not be orgasm
would not be that rolling delightful Thunder

it was hatred. pure fucking hatred

I discussed this with myself.. why?
Why do I feel this to my own self?
and I resisted.
I felt myself in resistance to this web of bliss
this dream that I have had how many times in my life since I was 15
I dreamed of being wrapped up by my lovers by my friends
and my lovers and my friends all wrapped up
experiencing being at the center at the heart of that

My head nestled between my lover’s legs
a friend nestled between my legs
lovers and friends on either side
experiencing that way together

how many times I dreamed this
how many times have I asked for this
open to this desire

and here it is here it is and here
I was completely unwilling to feel it
completely closed completely

there were moments, there are moments where
right where I released a little bit
so that shaking tremors emerge
surrender to that divine impulse

for the most part closed. and I knew it
and I hear Laurence say surrender

surrender to whatever it is that you’re feeling in this moment

and my choice was to surrender to the feeling of being closed
not my state I don’t have to be there
and yesterday I couldn’t get that space
so as the evening moved on
as the energy builds, and peaks
I could feel it to feel that self loathing
I could feel the separation of
having this delicious energy all around me
not being able to join in, even to feel the sadness

I’m back in that moment.
That moment
when I was with my lover
he was penetrating me
his face was wracked with ecstasy
and I didn’t care
I don’t want to be there
I dont want to be with him
I dont know how to get there
I dont know how to ask for what I needed

At so many points just wanted to get up and go
I do not want to be in this mess
the space that I’ve asked for for so much
And cannot, will not, terrified to surrender to

I want to go, I want to die
if I had a dagger I would have sacrificed myself
on the altar of this love

When the people around me were peaking in their joy
in their bliss and Lawrence’s voice echos across the room
surrender to whatever impulse you feel within yourself in this moment

I reached up and I grabbed my throat
with viscious, seeking, destroying, furious hands
i hate. radiating fucking rage. the crippled God

I grabbed my throat in hatred
Raged at it and grabbed it and clawed at my face
and beat myself in the chest and hit my heart
and pounded my chest in and out of the ground
not in joygasmic bliss,
but with a need to punish myself
fully expressed in the need to punish myself

as I open my eyes and looked around
one of my friends lovers is sitting above me
with her arms open holding the sacred space
beautiful bliss next to another one of my lovers
wracked completely… blasted open to the love

to join the experience *
I see Lawrence come up behind her
put his hands on her
guide her deeper into the experience
all I want to do is hide
what i WANT to is not possible
There are the legs it’s between my legs
these hands are on my heart

I want to be alone be separate from the parts of the 6.
I have dreamed of this for days
so many times and Here I am
separate from it. wanting to be separate from me

this is nearing the end …get the most out of this
that you can miss the moment
I hear the moans, the wails
I feel the movements the riding the wriggling people around me

my heart is facing the ground
and I remember that feeling
that vortex that we are sitting on

and I pour my heart my soul into .
That vortex every piece of me that hates
my son hates myself hates
it wants to die, for no one wants to live

I feel hopeless useless worthless disgusting
I pray that I release how i felt before about sex
I prey for maybe even one or two sheets of lightening
The act I think everyone around me experiences.

The last moments of the experience,
one of them flows through me
I allow it
I experience it

someone reaches out
someone becomes reaching out
and suddenly I’m holding two peoples hands
another person puts her hand on my chest
presses gentle loving hands to my face

I am so loved in this moment
I hate myself I am so loving this moment
I hate myself I am so loved in this moment
I hate myself I surrender said I hate my body

rocked I feel that love I feel like I finally answer to that space
maybe I could join my lovers
name this ecstatic ride

And Laurence says begin winding it down
oh how many times I felt THIS space
the angry!! my soul for having missed it
having been there witnessed it
experienced in a totally different way
than what I intended what I desired
I missed it

That moment when your lover has cum inside of you
and you’re 20 minutes away from anything resembling orgasm
that feeling and you know it’s done
how i hated that feeling

We are completing winding down
I just want to be held at this point
I’m surrounded by people
that nobody is holding me is okay
I want him, wrapping themselves around me
telling me its alright I’m okay

its okay
that I felt the way that I did
accept myself in it
accept myself in it
and I’m so vulnerable
the space that I know that I’m capable of housing
asking for what for what I need in that moment
a beautiful friend of mine from
enveloped by her beautiful body
her arms wrapped around me
my soul’s feeling loved
I release into her… cry

I look over this man that I love
he’s wrapped in another woman
I can see the smiles on their faces
they are so blissed and in love
I’m crying and I’m okay with that
I’m happy for them I’m sorry I’m not the one with him
I’m simultaneously sad happy

there’s no part of me that wants to take that away from them
there’s a part of me that wishes
but my experience has been different

that I have been able to join them and yet
Lawrence’s words remind me again
that whatever experience I had
was the perfect experience for me in this moment
and I know that this self hatred
has been riding with me for years
and that its okay and it’s time to let it go .

My lover and my friend wrap me up
I’m held has the circle dissipates

I find the energy to sit up
a look around at the dyads, tryads, singles
each deep into their own experience
each sharing in this moments of intensity
of bliss sorrow of anger

I think about the screams that witnessed out of my mouth
in the space, I feel peaceful exhausted

the music changes. up beat.
we are being encouraged to move out of the space
into a new space
into the rest of the life to integrate

people start dancing
I see a friend of mine
I ask for what I need
a hug
then I ask for what I need again
some space some water

to be alone in my experience to feel it truly in my body
I watch people dancing ecstatically with so much energy and vigor
i just really truly accept the exhaustion that I feel in my body
the lingering frustration at having not experienced it the way that I wish I wish I had
and I also let that go to accept my experiences exactly as it was
and to love myself more for that hatred that I felt

A thought flashed through my head
I fucking hate myself and that’s okay

Lawrence comes up to me
asks how I’m doing
I know that he witnessed me in that
I open my eyes and connect to him
I couldn’t make it to you he says
there was no room for me to stand support
I said how it was really difficult for me
as I shared a little bit about my experience
the full compassion the full love streaming from his eyes
the understanding that even though I needed his support
and he couldn’t reach me

that the experience was still perfect in its entirety
I’m invited to dance. I decline

a few moments later I think of why the hell not
when I stand up, I fall back down to the ground

I ask a friend to sit behind me hug me hold me
and let me know love that love space there it went so deep

I get up and dance for a little bit
like 45 seconds before I fall to the floor again
I do not have the energy in me
to be that. not now

theres so many people just ecstatic in their dance
and I just fold crumbled into the floor
at peace with myself for that choice in that experience
gentle with myself

I think momentarily of how different I am
than how it used to be
not being where I think I want to be
that acceptance of where I am
I’m grateful

we get ready to pack up for the evening
I share some of my experience with the people around me
I get hugs
I don’t really want hugs
I want to be alone in my process

my lover walks me to my car and we talk
can you kiss me and feeling his love permeate me
through the kiss I bring some of that desire to live back

he asked me about my experience
and I share
we talk about other things
we sit in the back of the car for an hour
just chatting about life
about other things that are important to us
about our experiences
and by the end of that hour I feel I feel like me again
I don’t feel like that depleted empty hollow of nothing
that I felt when we had exited the circle and I’m so grateful.

I drive home content in my experience
grateful for my lover for holding me
for sharing his overflowing love and feeling me again
for the presence I’m willing to have with myself

I get home around 1 o’clock there’s nobody up
I go downstairs I have a long shower relaxing releasing
lying on the bottom of the tub feeling the water wash over me
go to my temple have a mirror that I’ve been working on
drawing on for a month beautiful intricate drawing

my soul. at the center of my throat on the mirror
I love you on my throat.

I use my hands and wipe that whole drawing
starting from the outside and moving in
and that whole drawing from the months of work
just erased I knew I would do this when I left the puja tonight
and that space for my mirror says I love you over my throat

I really look in. process even my own process

from those words I erase the words I love you
and write the words I hate you because they’re true for me
and I no longer fear them

I accept myself in that hatred
it has no power
I understand that I sabotaged my life
that I chose pain over joy
and that I will continue to do it in one trip or another

awareness surrounded the knowing this

if that’s what I’m doing no longer have to hate myself unconsciously
honor the victim
I can now choose love or hate
months of working erased
the only thing left
the words I hate you

me who created the I love you challenge
me who asks for more joy and love every day

I hate you the core essence experience this evening
I’m grateful
I go to my bed
I journal
I write down
I follow my tradition
I write down 5 amazing things that happened today
I reflect on the the unexpected visit from a friend today
and how many beautiful things happened

I’m no longer victim to the intensity of that hatred emotion
to have it wipeout the memory of all of those beautiful things that happened today
I’m grateful for my hatred
I’m grateful for my love of myself in that space
I write myself a love letter
which is what I do every night
and I spend a moment or two online connecting with my friends
While I was in that space of hatred
somebody who had talked about working with me.
contacted me and is ready to work with me
I feel the shift in him he’s ready

I want to find my happiness again he says
and I know deep inside of me that in order to find the happiness
you have to be willing to embrace all aspects of yourself
to find that happiness you have to find and be in it
and be comfortable and love yourself there
I am more qualified now to do this work with others than I have ever been
and I’m ready

as I settle in my sleep position, I move my hands down
one hand is on my heart and my other hand is on my yoni
I sleep this way every night full of love for myself
so grateful that my son is in his bed and not mine
and I have the space

there’s nobody here tonight
just me
so that I can be with myself
because I love myself and I hate myself
and i’m okay with that

thank you
this is elena harder
joy catalyst artist priestess
space holder for despair and hatred
creator of self-love
thank you for listening