Category Archives for "Spirit Blog"

Why I don’t sign up for big programs at the end of an event anymore.

I work in a whole industry that is based on creating a hype, a big draw, a big pulse of energy, peak states, and then making sales from that space. But I don’t work like that. Here’s why.

How many of you have you had an experience like this?

It’s 2015 and I’m standing at the back of the room at the purchasing table, in front of man who’s job it is is to help me say yes to them. “To say yes to myself…” as the star woman on stage might have said it.

Not one person who has sold to me from the stage has ever asked me. “Do you have any history of making big purchases and not following through that might make this purchase a completely unreasonable choice for you right now?” or “Do you feel you have what it really takes to build your business on a regular basis?” or “If you make this purchase, do you have enough money to pay your rent this month?” or “Do you feel that having an infant strapped to your chest right now is a good marketing angle?”

Maybe I should have asked MYSELF those questions. But I don’t. The mental illness of the time means that I’m in a constant search for something higher, bigger, more powerful to rescue me from the pain that is my daily life. I have no concept of how to ask the people around me for the help I need, and I have no concept of how to get help other than by paying for it.

Maybe another person is able to live somewhere in the middle, somewhere between most excited, and least excited, somewhere that allows them to move forward into this with a healthful space. But not me in 2015.

He looks at me and asks, “What do you need, to say yes to yourself?”

“I’m scared.” I say. He looks at me. He probably sees another version of hundreds of people he’s seen that could benefit from more support, more accountability, all the things they are promising today. He might see me as a commission cheque. He probably sees himself before he began to work with “the woman on stage”. He looks me straight in the eye… “Why don’t you just JoyGasm the fear?”

The bigness in me goes “oh yes, of course” and switches the switch, fear and anxiety become power and yes. I feel that pulse of power, and I hand over my credit card and my life changes. But not the way they think.

The $5000 that I put down that day got me on the other side of the line. I got a green ribbon on my chest, and I got to feel like a winner for 40 minutes as the exit music plays. I got to feel like someone who supports myself and makes big choices that help me breakthrough to the next level. It got me in the “winners corner” in the last moments of this event, it got me access to weekly accountability calls, and a list of things to do in order to “make my business succeed”.

But I don’t succeed. Not the way I thought I would. All it does is mark the “beginning of the end” of my journey with credit cards. It wasn’t the first purchase that I made like that, but it was something that I never actually paid off that contributed to the moment when I said: “Okay, bankruptcy is now the only option.”

If he’d actually known me… If he’d been a friend, he might have known to ask me what kind of support I needed to break the cycle of “buying my way to success”, or asked me if I was at a place in my life where I was able to actually make that purchase. I don’t doubt that some of the people in the room, a $5000 purchase wasn’t a big deal. To me it was 1/3 of the total of what I would make that year, and I never made my investment back, and I never paid it off either.

This was the second (of 3 times) in my life that I plopped down $5000 to a coach to help me build my business. It didn’t work. It just added to the pain body of being abandoned and mislead and betrayed by someone who had promised to support me.

So to not be “her” I played smaller. I self-sabotaged. I thought about creating a group program but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought about making bigger sales to people, but worried about how they would feel if I failed to create the results I wanted to create for them. (and I felt that I had failed my clients before) I wanted to charge more for my services, and I saw that when I did that my clients became more troublesome, asking for more, I still didn’t hold boundaries and I failed to deliver.

I knew the healers I was working with didn’t have much money. But did they actually not have it? or was I just projecting my own poverty onto them? Some of them had it because some of them paid it.

But the pain of that “betrayal of the coach” crippled me.

“People treat you the way that they were treated.” ~ Matt Kahn

Even though I’m an entrepreneur, and have been since 2010. Even though I no longer working soul destroying 3-12pm kitchen/admin/manual labour work, I’ve often still been doing work I don’t want to be doing because I needed to keep earning a living. Doing work that I wanted to say “fuck you” or “I’m tired” or “I’m sorry I overcommitted and under delivered, and I can’t help you right now because there are three of you asking me to do things all at the same time, I haven’t managed to get out of bed in the last 3 days, I want to die, and all I want to do is cry at the fact that I’ve already put the numbers of hours I budgeted into your project, and from this moment fowards I will grow more and more resentful of each of your emailed questions, beause they mean that I’m not getting paid $50/hr, now it’s $40, one more question, one more change? Now it’s $25.

One more thing? I forgot to do something, oh no problem.
Now it’s $12. $6. $3/hr.

In those early years it happens enough times and I begin to avoid putting myself in those situations. Not by setting better boundaries, but by putting off opening the emails. Searching for new clients, with fresh money, and avoiding the old ones if I can.

I’m also a classic “indigo kid/millennial” living in a foreign country, bucking the system, without a work visa, and a small child still strapped to my chest. “Being a part of the system” and getting a job isn’t an option.

I’m overwhelmed and traumatized from starting a business and single parenting a child at the same time. I’ve been struggling with depression for years, and it’s only getting worse.

So I’ll choose a different niche, a different client, choose a different angle, a different solution. When none of that works I’ll choose to keep doing what I know does work, and what I’ve resented since the beginning, and keep doing it. Because it’s all I know how to do. It’s what keeps working, so I keep working it.

It wasn’t until three years later, in the winter of 2018, tired of running, and exhausted from trying something new, that I turned around and emailed each and every one of the 100 people I designed for in those early years and asked them “Were you ever mad at me during our work together?”

I started with all the clients I thought who would be most mad at me. I asked each of them, and they all came back and said: “you’re a very talented designer, sometimes flaky, and I was never mad at you.”

Classic case of projection of emotion. I had been furious at each of them. For stealing my time. For asking questions, for halting my headlong progress towards my goals. For being in my life, at a time when I was furious at everyone, all the time. Especially myself.

So when I re-designed my web design practice in 2017, I decided to charge hourly instead of per project, because I couldn’t face the PTSD and pain of losing $ for each extra request.

The ego codifies and stops learning. The subconscious tries to stay safe, and stay with what it knows. Even when what it knows is just pain.

But when that fixed mindset comes in and says “no you can’t because in the past, this was a source of destruction for you.” It makes sense to listen to it, as a form of self-preservation. Don’t take on another client because you will just end up frustrated and angry at them.

But the other option was “find a job” (which as a single parent also means putting my child in full time care)
The other option was “find a way to live without money” (which as a single person means you get to stop eating, which I’ve done. And and as a parent, it
s not an option)
The other option was to “find a way through the trauma” (which as a stubborn as fuck single parent was the option I chose.)

I needed to find a way through, and it certainly wasn’t through more outwards action.
It certainly wasn’t through doing the same thing over and over again.

I had to find a way to break through.
A series of slow and steady breakthroughs.

Understanding that no matter how much or how little I worked, my monthly finances always broke even.

Understanding that no matter what I did, when I said yes to design, the clients came flooding forwards.

Understanding that I needed to rest, and transform myself. And that it came as a gift.

A beautiful woman in the community invited me along to a personal development event. I knew I wasn’t going to buy the big package. Having given up the credit card, and trusting/living close to break even every month, the $5000 wasn’t an option.

I went into the event, clear that I wasn’t going to buy,
Clear that I was going to get the most I could out of THIS.

This brought its own sense of relief.
I showed up, not to analyze and strategize how to copy her.
Not to criticise and condemn and badmouth her mentally the whole way through.

But to learn. To transform. To change.

I participated fully in each of the exercises, and I offered myself the opportunity to grow.
To do something new, to be open to change.

As we move through one of the exercises, my whole body shifts and transforms.
The subconscious, finally understanding that it’s safe to be here.
Safe to be me. Fine to cry. Fine to laugh.
Fine to explore and expand and be bigger than I used to be.

That it’s fine to find my own marketing strategy,
to do things my own way.

To offer design, and writing, and love, and support,
and business strategy, and visioning,
and subconscious self-sabotage overcoming transformation.

I finally understand that I can shine,
by helping others shine.

And I can figure out how to do all of it, together.

For a fee, that doesn’t break anyone’s bank
and actually provides bang for the buck.

Death by Silence

“We’re sitting in the car again. It’s time to drop him off, and I don’t want him to go, because there is so much I need to say about how I’m feeling, about how much I love him, and how much the way he acts hurts me. We sit in silence.

My mind races with 100 different variations on what I want to say, searching for a way of sharing my truth without hurting him. 20 minutes later I realize I haven’t said a word out loud, and neither has he. Just running in painful circles in my mind. We do this for another 30 minutes, manage some incredibly awkward goodbyes, and that’s it. Well, except for the part where I beat myself up for not talking about the things that really need to get talked about, the things that really matter about our son, my fears about his drinking, our love, and about the life together that I so desperately want to be real.”

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Death By Silence (Yes I’m Still Alive, and I have things to share!

Maybe it only lasted an hour, or 10 minutes, or 6 months. Or maybe it was one that paralyzed you so deeply that you thought you may never escape? That the silence might actually rob you of your ability to breathe, to converse, to exist?

One such moment was this one. In the car, shortly before Alex was born. Moments like this were daily bread in 2010. I'll share more about WHY I'm telling this particular story after the story.

“We’re sitting in the car again. It’s time to drop him off, and I don’t want him to go, because there is so much I need to say about how I’m feeling, about how much I love him, and how much the way he acts hurts me.

We sit in silence.

My mind races with 100 different variations on what I want to say, searching for a way of sharing my truth without hurting him.

20 minutes later I realize I haven’t said a word outloud, and neither has he. Just running in painful circles in my mind.

We do this silent dance for another 30 minutes. Neither of us willing to break the moment of paralysis. Finally, we manage some incredibly awkward goodbyes, and that’s it.

Except for the part where for the next 24 hours I beat myself up relentlessly for not talking about the things that really need to get talked about. For not asking about the things that really matter about our unborn child, my fears about his drinking, our love and the sickness that permeates it, and about the life together that I so desperately want to be real.”

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Let’s Talk About Courage

Lets talk about courage. Is courage is something you have? Something you create? How do you create courage?

Today, I’m at my office, I’m in the process of upleveling my business, I’m outsourcing and I have a bunch of emails to answer, quotes to send, projects to move forward with. It’s a busy time, and, all I want to do is curl up under my desk and possibly cry. Level Up Overwhelm has many faces, and sometimes it feels just like that.
So, like the authentic, heart centered entrepreneur that I am, I decide to curl up under the desk. I’m going to do it with gusto, and with purpose. Feel all the feelings, let it go. I set a 4 minute timer, GO, revel in it. It feels so good to give into the urge, I get down on the peanut crumbs on the floor (I should sweep it I think) and I cry a few tears.

And then I’m just laying there, I don’t want to leave, but I’m not in the same space I was before of really WANTING to curl up. And I listen to the sounds around me. There are 4-5 male voices, all in conversation with business prospects, whatever it is that they are doing for their businesses. I wonder, why is it that they aren’t curled up under their desk? What is it in me that creates this? Am I more sensitive, is it because I’m a woman? Why is it that I’m here, and they aren’t.

The 4 minute timer goes, and I get back up from under my desk, I do a little prayer, thank you to my desk for the safe space, and I come to write this piece about courage.

Because when you are upleveling, there will be moments when you want to curl up and cry. It takes courage to honor the emotions, and then to get back to work.

And that’s the secret to courage. You have to be willing to feel uncomfortable. You have to get comfortable with feeling discomfort.

Today that looks like replying to all my emails, even though part of me wants to just run away from all the clients! And then later, looking at why that makes me want to run away so much.
What makes you uncomfortable in your business? Do you let that feeling rule you, or do you push through it?

Homework Assignment: This weeks theme is Money Upgrade.
Your homework is to sing the magnet to money song for 2 minutes x 7 days.

30 min assignment.

And to identify WHERE you feel constricted in relation to money. And then bring courage to it.

The last time I hesitated in relationship to asking for money was:

The reason I hesitated was:

If I had more courage, what I would do in this situation is

What I can do to align myself with the courageous self is:

The last time I hesitated in relationship to spending money was:

The reason I hesitated was:

If I had more courage, what I would do in this situation is

What I can do to align myself with the courageous self is:

In Love,

Ps. There is only one secret to finding the courage..

Vulnerability in Business

Yesterday I was asked, where is the vulnerability in your business.

My response both illuminated and shocked me. My body language changed, my heart hardened, and my voice became terse.

“There is no room for vulnerability in my business”

We both recognized the change in me. With love she said “And it shows up in the bedroom, and in your business doesn’t it?”

Normally I would sigh at the truth of it, but the armor that had come up as a result of the question was so huge I couldn’t release it just like that.

“Why do you feel like that? Like you can’t be vulnerable?”

Through tense lips “I didn’t start my business from passion or love, I started it from necessity. I started it from not wanting to starve with my newly born son. And this year I made a promise to myself, that I wouldn’t let my feelings crash it out for the 6th time.” Thinly veiled fear fills my body and my voice. “I would be the good business woman, I would respond to the emails that leave me paralyzed, I would keep my commitments. There is no room for vulnerability in that” Tears start running down my face. “If I let myself feel in my business, I wouldn’t have a business, I would never get anything done” Tears roll off my face now, and I am simply held, loved. There is silence for a while, and the conversation moves on to other things, there is nothing more to be said for now, but in reality, there is much much more digging to be done.

In this conversation, I realize the truth of why I haven’t shared the love letters I’ve been writing to myself for the last 2 years. I realize why I haven’t finished the sales funnel that will give me the freedom to do EXACTLY what I love doing, and in a way that I never have to worry about whether my monthly minimum gets paid, ever again. The divine plan has been laid out, my intuition has been tapping me lovingly on the shoulder for 2 years now, and yet… It’s such a difficult path to walk.

Because it requires that I be vulnerable, to trust, to start to share my inner truth with the world, and trust that it will become more than I imagined. It means that I trust that my voice means something, that my voice has purpose in the world, and that it will serve others to hear how I have found the courage to share. I have understand this as my mission since I started my business, and it scares me more than words can express (it scares me to paralysis in fact), to be sharing with you now.

In order to continue on the journey, I need to know. I need to know that you’ve been there too, I need to know that you’ve been left shaken, raw and wounded, vulnerable, in the path of conscious business. I need to know I’m not alone.

What is the most vulnerable you’ve felt in your business? Leave a comment below.

In the mean time, I’m going to delve deeper in to what it takes to find the courage to be vulnerable. What it takes to shine in the face of your own fear and darkness, and more importantly, in the fear of your own light.

In Love,

Ps. There is only one secret to finding the courage..

I Hate myself. And that’s okay.

I came to my journey of self love from despair, from hatred, from lonelyness. I came to it as a backlash and a desperation to be free of where I was. I have been practicing my self love habbits daily for 9 months now.. It has taken me from despair, stress, overwhelm.. To giggling happy joy as a general state of being. For this I am SO greatful.

And yet this week when someone said to me “I feel this self loathing, this hatred, deep inside of you that you are holding on to” I had to agree.

On friday this week I had an amazing experience of energetic vortex, and a complete acceptance of my self hate. This peice shares my journey. Thank you to Rovena Skye, Lawrence Lanoff and Monique Darling for facilitating this amazing piece of transformation in my life.

How I came to accept that I hated myself

Last night at the puja we opened the vortex Lawrence style.

He guided us through exercise
where anything that we no longer needed
was drawn into the vortex
and it was a profound and painful experience for me.

I’m all about joy
and I’m comfortable expressing my joyGasms
and getting into that sexy space
and feeling the pulse of the universe.

So I’m laying on the floor intertwined.
Our legs wrapped together.
My hand on the heart of my sweetheart with 3 other people.
And two other people had their hands on my heart.

A mashup of light and getting vulnerable and emotionally naked,
creating an amazing network of human flesh and intentions.
All focused around the idea of experiencing the most pleasure
that we could possibly experience.

As we moved into the space
I could feel the people around me begin to twitch and rise in their ecstasy.
Some people moan and groan, cry out,
and I am so grateful for witnessing it.
I’m not the only one who can express like that!
Not the only one whose arms open wide
and everybody loses the control that imposes
on the Gathering joy
that rocks through them.

and yet it stares me in the face of my own experience
I can feel the people around me vibrating
I can hear their sounds in that moment

I was numb
how closed up
my heart closed
my yoni closed

We’re being guided by Lawrence to
open open open open more

I know what would be best
to do those things to relax
But I could feel me

I feel me, closed, cold, numb,
witnessing, not experiencing.

I knew underneath that when I’m relaxing
The emotions released that I was feeling
would not be joy – would not be orgasm
would not be that rolling delightful Thunder

it was hatred. pure fucking hatred

I discussed this with myself.. why?
Why do I feel this to my own self?
and I resisted.
I felt myself in resistance to this web of bliss
this dream that I have had how many times in my life since I was 15
I dreamed of being wrapped up by my lovers by my friends
and my lovers and my friends all wrapped up
experiencing being at the center at the heart of that

My head nestled between my lover’s legs
a friend nestled between my legs
lovers and friends on either side
experiencing that way together

how many times I dreamed this
how many times have I asked for this
open to this desire

and here it is here it is and here
I was completely unwilling to feel it
completely closed completely

there were moments, there are moments where
right where I released a little bit
so that shaking tremors emerge
surrender to that divine impulse

for the most part closed. and I knew it
and I hear Laurence say surrender

surrender to whatever it is that you’re feeling in this moment

and my choice was to surrender to the feeling of being closed
not my state I don’t have to be there
and yesterday I couldn’t get that space
so as the evening moved on
as the energy builds, and peaks
I could feel it to feel that self loathing
I could feel the separation of
having this delicious energy all around me
not being able to join in, even to feel the sadness

I’m back in that moment.
That moment
when I was with my lover
he was penetrating me
his face was wracked with ecstasy
and I didn’t care
I don’t want to be there
I dont want to be with him
I dont know how to get there
I dont know how to ask for what I needed

At so many points just wanted to get up and go
I do not want to be in this mess
the space that I’ve asked for for so much
And cannot, will not, terrified to surrender to

I want to go, I want to die
if I had a dagger I would have sacrificed myself
on the altar of this love

When the people around me were peaking in their joy
in their bliss and Lawrence’s voice echos across the room
surrender to whatever impulse you feel within yourself in this moment

I reached up and I grabbed my throat
with viscious, seeking, destroying, furious hands
i hate. radiating fucking rage. the crippled God

I grabbed my throat in hatred
Raged at it and grabbed it and clawed at my face
and beat myself in the chest and hit my heart
and pounded my chest in and out of the ground
not in joygasmic bliss,
but with a need to punish myself
fully expressed in the need to punish myself

as I open my eyes and looked around
one of my friends lovers is sitting above me
with her arms open holding the sacred space
beautiful bliss next to another one of my lovers
wracked completely… blasted open to the love

to join the experience *
I see Lawrence come up behind her
put his hands on her
guide her deeper into the experience
all I want to do is hide
what i WANT to is not possible
There are the legs it’s between my legs
these hands are on my heart

I want to be alone be separate from the parts of the 6.
I have dreamed of this for days
so many times and Here I am
separate from it. wanting to be separate from me

this is nearing the end …get the most out of this
that you can miss the moment
I hear the moans, the wails
I feel the movements the riding the wriggling people around me

my heart is facing the ground
and I remember that feeling
that vortex that we are sitting on

and I pour my heart my soul into .
That vortex every piece of me that hates
my son hates myself hates
it wants to die, for no one wants to live

I feel hopeless useless worthless disgusting
I pray that I release how i felt before about sex
I prey for maybe even one or two sheets of lightening
The act I think everyone around me experiences.

The last moments of the experience,
one of them flows through me
I allow it
I experience it

someone reaches out
someone becomes reaching out
and suddenly I’m holding two peoples hands
another person puts her hand on my chest
presses gentle loving hands to my face

I am so loved in this moment
I hate myself I am so loving this moment
I hate myself I am so loved in this moment
I hate myself I surrender said I hate my body

rocked I feel that love I feel like I finally answer to that space
maybe I could join my lovers
name this ecstatic ride

And Laurence says begin winding it down
oh how many times I felt THIS space
the angry!! my soul for having missed it
having been there witnessed it
experienced in a totally different way
than what I intended what I desired
I missed it

That moment when your lover has cum inside of you
and you’re 20 minutes away from anything resembling orgasm
that feeling and you know it’s done
how i hated that feeling

We are completing winding down
I just want to be held at this point
I’m surrounded by people
that nobody is holding me is okay
I want him, wrapping themselves around me
telling me its alright I’m okay

its okay
that I felt the way that I did
accept myself in it
accept myself in it
and I’m so vulnerable
the space that I know that I’m capable of housing
asking for what for what I need in that moment
a beautiful friend of mine from
enveloped by her beautiful body
her arms wrapped around me
my soul’s feeling loved
I release into her… cry

I look over this man that I love
he’s wrapped in another woman
I can see the smiles on their faces
they are so blissed and in love
I’m crying and I’m okay with that
I’m happy for them I’m sorry I’m not the one with him
I’m simultaneously sad happy

there’s no part of me that wants to take that away from them
there’s a part of me that wishes
but my experience has been different

that I have been able to join them and yet
Lawrence’s words remind me again
that whatever experience I had
was the perfect experience for me in this moment
and I know that this self hatred
has been riding with me for years
and that its okay and it’s time to let it go .

My lover and my friend wrap me up
I’m held has the circle dissipates

I find the energy to sit up
a look around at the dyads, tryads, singles
each deep into their own experience
each sharing in this moments of intensity
of bliss sorrow of anger

I think about the screams that witnessed out of my mouth
in the space, I feel peaceful exhausted

the music changes. up beat.
we are being encouraged to move out of the space
into a new space
into the rest of the life to integrate

people start dancing
I see a friend of mine
I ask for what I need
a hug
then I ask for what I need again
some space some water

to be alone in my experience to feel it truly in my body
I watch people dancing ecstatically with so much energy and vigor
i just really truly accept the exhaustion that I feel in my body
the lingering frustration at having not experienced it the way that I wish I wish I had
and I also let that go to accept my experiences exactly as it was
and to love myself more for that hatred that I felt

A thought flashed through my head
I fucking hate myself and that’s okay

Lawrence comes up to me
asks how I’m doing
I know that he witnessed me in that
I open my eyes and connect to him
I couldn’t make it to you he says
there was no room for me to stand support
I said how it was really difficult for me
as I shared a little bit about my experience
the full compassion the full love streaming from his eyes
the understanding that even though I needed his support
and he couldn’t reach me

that the experience was still perfect in its entirety
I’m invited to dance. I decline

a few moments later I think of why the hell not
when I stand up, I fall back down to the ground

I ask a friend to sit behind me hug me hold me
and let me know love that love space there it went so deep

I get up and dance for a little bit
like 45 seconds before I fall to the floor again
I do not have the energy in me
to be that. not now

theres so many people just ecstatic in their dance
and I just fold crumbled into the floor
at peace with myself for that choice in that experience
gentle with myself

I think momentarily of how different I am
than how it used to be
not being where I think I want to be
that acceptance of where I am
I’m grateful

we get ready to pack up for the evening
I share some of my experience with the people around me
I get hugs
I don’t really want hugs
I want to be alone in my process

my lover walks me to my car and we talk
can you kiss me and feeling his love permeate me
through the kiss I bring some of that desire to live back

he asked me about my experience
and I share
we talk about other things
we sit in the back of the car for an hour
just chatting about life
about other things that are important to us
about our experiences
and by the end of that hour I feel I feel like me again
I don’t feel like that depleted empty hollow of nothing
that I felt when we had exited the circle and I’m so grateful.

I drive home content in my experience
grateful for my lover for holding me
for sharing his overflowing love and feeling me again
for the presence I’m willing to have with myself

I get home around 1 o’clock there’s nobody up
I go downstairs I have a long shower relaxing releasing
lying on the bottom of the tub feeling the water wash over me
go to my temple have a mirror that I’ve been working on
drawing on for a month beautiful intricate drawing

my soul. at the center of my throat on the mirror
I love you on my throat.

I use my hands and wipe that whole drawing
starting from the outside and moving in
and that whole drawing from the months of work
just erased I knew I would do this when I left the puja tonight
and that space for my mirror says I love you over my throat

I really look in. process even my own process

from those words I erase the words I love you
and write the words I hate you because they’re true for me
and I no longer fear them

I accept myself in that hatred
it has no power
I understand that I sabotaged my life
that I chose pain over joy
and that I will continue to do it in one trip or another

awareness surrounded the knowing this

if that’s what I’m doing no longer have to hate myself unconsciously
honor the victim
I can now choose love or hate
months of working erased
the only thing left
the words I hate you

me who created the I love you challenge
me who asks for more joy and love every day

I hate you the core essence experience this evening
I’m grateful
I go to my bed
I journal
I write down
I follow my tradition
I write down 5 amazing things that happened today
I reflect on the the unexpected visit from a friend today
and how many beautiful things happened

I’m no longer victim to the intensity of that hatred emotion
to have it wipeout the memory of all of those beautiful things that happened today
I’m grateful for my hatred
I’m grateful for my love of myself in that space
I write myself a love letter
which is what I do every night
and I spend a moment or two online connecting with my friends
While I was in that space of hatred
somebody who had talked about working with me.
contacted me and is ready to work with me
I feel the shift in him he’s ready

I want to find my happiness again he says
and I know deep inside of me that in order to find the happiness
you have to be willing to embrace all aspects of yourself
to find that happiness you have to find and be in it
and be comfortable and love yourself there
I am more qualified now to do this work with others than I have ever been
and I’m ready

as I settle in my sleep position, I move my hands down
one hand is on my heart and my other hand is on my yoni
I sleep this way every night full of love for myself
so grateful that my son is in his bed and not mine
and I have the space

there’s nobody here tonight
just me
so that I can be with myself
because I love myself and I hate myself
and i’m okay with that

thank you
this is elena harder
joy catalyst artist priestess
space holder for despair and hatred
creator of self-love
thank you for listening

3 ways to shift to Joy in 1 minute or less

Joy is SO important! It heals all wounds, soothes all hurts, and is the gift of life!

I have a special offer in Sept for those of you on my list that is not for anyone else, you can view it at the end of this email)

A couple of days I go I burnt my big toe pretty seriously. It’s still healing. Today I dropped a bike tire on said toe. It hurt.. a lot..

My response was a testament to how much I’ve been practicing this shift to joy, and how fast we can change our mental space.

So how did I respond??

I took a huge deep breath, I removed the tire from my toe, I took another huge deep breath, and as I was walking away feeling ouch and mad at myself for being careless, I laughed. Just for a moment.. And then I was so greatful to myself for being able to shift, and the power of that laugh and the gratitude took my pain away.


So. Without further ado, 3 ways to shift to Joy in 1 minute or less.

I recommend setting a 1 minute timer while you try these out for 3 reasons..

It gets you into the habit of shifting within the “timer” framework,
Allows you to let go of “how long has it been” and
Sets a strong intention for making that shift in the time allotted. (Which is important when you’re a mom or other busy person)

1. Take 3 deep breaths, then put a smile on your face and take 3 deep breaths and go “ha ha ha ha ha” on the exhale. (either in a mechanical I’m doing this cuz she said it would work kind of way, or in a real laugh kind of way, that’s even better in my books, but both will work) Repeat this untill your 1 minute timer goes off.

2. Take those 3 deep breaths, and consciously recall a time when you were ex-tactically happy. Delve into those memories and really play it out in your mind. Continue to do this until your timer goes.

3. Do the exercise in this 1 moment video. (In summary, spend 1 minute with your eyes closed, listening and feeling all the things around you for that one moment) This was my introduction to Micro Meditation, it’s great, and it really explains how to get present now (which is the solution to almost all inner tourmoil)

Do you have some questions about cultivating Joy? What is causing you challenges in your joy journey these days?? I would love to answer your questions!! Just hit reply and send them to me!

September Birthday Month Offer

If you’re struggling to stay on the happy side of life, or if you’re wanting to see just how Joyfull you can be in life.. I’m offering 5 free Joy Journey Discovery Sessions in the month of September. We’ll dive deep into something that is bothering you in your life, and find a way to shift the way you look at it to something that brings you joy!! You’ll come out of it with a Happiness Habbit you can implement in your life right away to help you grow happier!!

And if you’re interested in going way deep into your Joy, JoyGasm, Laughter as meditation, or exploring Energetic Sex, then I can share with you what I offer there too!!

These sessions are discounted for the month of September, as I’m celebrating my Birthday Month! And that means you too!!

Being with the Calm Center of your Life (the earth)

Good Morning Beauties!!

I just spent a 4 day weekend in the mountains. Not only the mountains, but a beautiful chunk of the world called Lake O’Hara.  It’s just behind Lake Louise, but without all the bus full’s of tourists.  I spent a day walking around the lake with Alex (only 3km, and saw… 1 person in my first 2 hours..)  We jumped in the lake (brrr!), and then lazed in a Canoe with my feet dangling in the water eating a picnic.. AWESOME!!

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It reminded me just how important time in Nature really is.

For my work I spend a lot of time in front of the computer, and getting to unplug for 4 days is heavenly.. 🙂 Not to mention gorgeous views like this.

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Here’s my personal theory (gleaned from the book Magical Child) on why time in nature is so rewarding, and important!

The earth is a big crystaline grid structure of energy.. It has it’s own mass and inertia and energy field.

We are each a little refractory of that huge field. We merge and meld with others as we go along, and we create little interesting distortions (cultures, sub cultures, movements, idieosyncracies etc) People create strange and beautiful patterns of being when they are in small groups, as anyone who has ever been part of a mob (happy, mad, willing or not), can say, human creatures in mass can create powerful surging of intention that are irresistible to those caught in them.

When we go back to being with mostly nature, they crystalline grid of the planet has time to work with us, to refine us, to bring us back into harmony with that peace, serenity, and calm that a pristine place so embodies. All the “ways we be” because of how others around us are, drop away into the way a tree, or a rock be’s.

2013-08-13 14.01.52When I chose to spend 6 months of my last year living in on the beach, I didn’t realize what kind of impact it would have on my relationships. In Magical Child, they talk about how around 3 years old, we switch our main attachment from our mother’s to the world at large.. From the structure of mom, to the structure of the earth. We learn that the earth is a safe place to walk. This is a crucial phase of our integrated human development, and many kids (and adults) never got to spend enough time in nature to really realize that they were safe there.. The safe space becomes our houses, or schools, buildings, malls.

The time I spent on the beach, as I carved rivers and mountains into the sand, watching the water pool and move. I watched as a deep harmony with nature built within me. And I also watched as my neediness for THIS or THAT (or for the people in my life to be this or that) to make me happy disappeared. As the joy of life from the earth moved into my body, and created me as a moving aspect of that earthy, divine energy flow. How wicked!!


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How do you do this??? Create that bond with the earth so strong that nothing makes you crazy??

Move the earth with your hands, sit with your bum on the ground, lay on the ground. Spend time with the earth… Sleep on the earth (camping!!!!) Pretty easy. 🙂  Do it for at minimum 20 minutes a day.. and at most, all day every day!! 🙂

If you’re in Calgary, and would like to experience this deeper with me, please shoot me a note and we can create a 4 hour or multiple day retreat special for you.. 🙂 This is what my heart sings to do these days!!

Much Love to you!!


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PS. Check out this video that had me in tears today..

Journey to Joy, One day at a time.. (and getting up earlier)

For the last 6 months I’ve been struggling with waking up.  I try and get up at 7am, 8am, and usually crawl out of bed at about 9:30 because I have to be out of the house by 9:45.  I’ve been through phases of beating myself up for this, of accepting it, of just forgetting it was an issue. 

Things change in an instant…

Today.  I woke up at 5am.  I read a love letter I wrote to myself the night before.  I looked at my sleeping son and think “god he’s beautiful” and then I meditate, tidy the room, sort through a huge stack of love letters and happy memories (5 Amazing’s)  Lovely.  I went back to bed at 8am, and slept till 9.. It was awesome.  I really liked it, and I’ll probably do it again tomorrow.

Update: The next day I woke up at 10 am, and it was also awesome.. Extra so cuz I didn’t beat myself up for NOT being up at 5am.  I’ve changed my alarm clock to be my voice, saying “Good morning beautiful, it’s time to roll over and kiss yourself, and say I love you.  I love you, I Love you, I love you!”  I love waking up, and I love hitting snooze for 2 minutes so I can fall asleep and tell myself “I love you” again and again! 

Things change over time…

My relationship with myself has gotten better and better over the last few years, due in a huge part to the tiny daily practices I’ve put together to show myself love.

They are all under 2 minutes, so it’s almost impossible for me to say “I don’t have time right now” without then guilting myself into doing it anyways (It’s only 30 seconds elena.. cmon!!)

30 Day I love you Challenge This is me Charting myself saying I love you to myself every morning.  I’m doing well, and the  chart helps more than anything else. Check out  to get your own calendar, and join the 30 day Challenge. Happy License Plates I super enjoy playing games with licence plates while driving.  It’s amazing!! I look for patterns, doubles triples.  PORTALS (when all the plates you can see qualify as “special” plates, aka they have doubles triples or start with E (cuz it’s my name letter).. ) Queen of the World (and Canola) Me practising the Queen of the World Pose in front of awesome beautiful Canola in Central Alberta! Cute Alexander Cute naked Alex pondering the back yard.  🙂 I just thought it was so classic and had to snap a photo.  (aka, taking photos to remember) Heart Magic Hands - Daily Practices for JoyEvery day once I’ve done my I love you’s and my meditation I re-draw my family symbol on my hand, to remind myself that I love myself, and I see how amazing I am.  🙂  (you’re welcome to borrow it! or create your own) It’s a bit like groundhog day, except that every day I polish and shine what the perfect day would look like a little bit more..

I’m hugely curious as to what YOUR average day looks like.

It’s so rare to actually get to see what other people do all day.  If you have a minute, I would super appreciate it if you shared 3 of the highlights and lowlights of your average day. And for the first 5 people to respond I’ll offer my “haha wisdom” and give a suggestion on how you can create a little game out of the lowlight to make it way more fun for you on a daily basis!! 🙂 MUch love to you! Elena

Hope you’ve enjoyed this.. As always, I love feedback, and I love it even more when people share!!


Pondering the Place of Technology

Hello Beautifuls!

Watch the Latest Art of Metaphor (Getting STUCK in traffic and how it relates to the rest of your life)

SO… Many great things happened this week.. Father’s day.. Driving.  Painting with Water! Pondering the meaning of technology in our lives!   Read on intrepid adventurerrersss..

Alexander Degreat

Alex Art moment with feet and water on the hot tub lid.  🙂 Alexander DeGreat Pushing the boundaries.. As all 2.5 year olds will do…Alexander Degreat

Where did he go??? Oh oh.. (actually he’s fine, I just thought the photo was funny)

Alexander Degreat and Elena Harder Happy Mama and Babe hanging out!

Alexander Degreat n Oma

I Love being part of a Family.. It’s so wonderful to watch kids and grandparents play together.. Alexander Degreat Sleeping Sleeping Alex on our Father’s Day Drive.  I took the opportunity to do Magic Hands Meditation while someone else drove.. And it was AMAZING to see that I could still feel the energy currents running between my hands EVEN THOUGH there was HUGE amounts of wind flying around in the back seat.  It was a really cool experience for SURE!

Elena Harder the Art of Metaphor


Oh yes.  Crazy Hair was had.. It made me ponder how “used to” things humans can be, and how quickly it happens.  Like how we can get SO used to having lots of little pieces of stuff clouding our vision, and whipping us in the face (aka my hair in the back seat of a convertible, and/or the strange self defeating beliefs that frame our lives)


Flip Flop meets Snow

Flip Flops.. Meet Snow… Snow.. Flip Flops..

We had a grand snowball fight, with lots of giggling and laughing.  And I managed to get hit the least by snowballs (except maybe alex).  And then later, I had to put his hands in my armpits to warm them up.  So cute! (that’s why we have two armpits don’t cha know.. so we can warm up 2 baby hands at the same time)

Alexander Degreat

Alex’s First snowball fight.  At Highwood Pass Fathers Day 2013

Alexander Degreat

 Remember to Play Safe!!


Elena Harder the Art of Metaphor

There were some really interesting things that came up this week around Technology.

First First.. All of these moments, in fact this entire experience, brought to you long distance by… Technology..

First. Google Glass.   Was presented to me as a CONCEPT 2 weeks ago (okay I’m a bit out of touch).. Then I realized they had actually made them.  I was a bit horrified at the concept of wearing a computer on my head.   Then I saw a video of how it would change the way people interact with their technology, and I smiled.  Because I’ve hated the heads down staring at your hand iphone trend.. The taking your eyes away from the world.  Now we can interface seemingly seemlessly with our technology.  We are already Cyborgs. 

Second.  A personal story.  I once spent 4 days planting a field of corn with 40 other people in knee deep mud.  It was back breaking, I lost my shoes in the mud and couldn’t get them back, so I kept working barefoot.  After 4 days, the field was almost dry, the job was done, and we all swore we would never plant corn again.  A couple weeks later I watched a combine tractor go down a similar feild, and asked what it was doing.  They said “Oh, that’s how we normally plant corn, but the ground was too wet for the tractor, so we did it the old fashioned way.”

Let’s look at the math..  8 hours x 40 people x 4 days = 1280 HOURS of labor.  And I watched a machine plant the same field in less than 20 minutes.  Okay.. That is progress. especially to my (historical) aching back! 


Third.  The 3D printer revolution is expanding to FOOD.. Yes..  We are now pondering real life Replicators (yes like from star trek).

And at the same time, I hold dear to me, people who have chosen a path of back to the land, permaculture, radical self-reliance.  That we can have people on the planet that could download their food off the internet and print it at home, and people who dig their hands into the earth for months, of watering and caring for plants to see them grow to fruition, and enjoying them.  That this same planet can hold both, can offer us both options, blows my mind!!

A moment of awe, at the power of our choices!

Fourth.  I watched a talk about how the quality of life for people with blue collar jobs has steadily decreased over the last 40 years, and that those jobs are consistantly being replaced with techological labour.  And that this is to our betterment.  So that humans can return to the space of scholar, champion, artist, conceptualist.  Using our “highly evolved” brain, our literal creation of collective consciousness (the internet), as a tool, rather than a captor to these funky computer things…
So the future is upon us.  The question is how do we approach it consciously.. how do we weave our lives amongst the options, and choose as a whole (or as seems to be more accurate “as a myriad of microcultures”) how we live our lives, and in which way we choose to feed, and interact with the world.

I know that since harnessing the power of my phone as a WOC (Weapon of Consciousness) to remind me to be a better human being, to take time to play, to be, to enjoy the pleasures of life, to micro-meditate.  Life’s gotten better.. 🙂  And at the same time.. Remember to Garden.. It feels SO good!

Ps. One of the ways I integrate technology into feeling awesome about life and living a richer life is my 30 Day I love you Challenge.  It’s free, and I’d LOVE for you to join us..

 starter-kit-arrow-transClick here to Join

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