I’ve given up trying to predict the future.

I’ve given up trying to predict the future.

Somewhere along the line i picked up a habit of when something happens, taking it to it’s “logical” conclusion.

The most telling example of this I can give is re-connecting with ex-boyfriends, and in 1 day going from. I’m never going to speak to you again, to wow we’re going to get married. (and back again)

What I’ve learned from this incessant flip flopping. Is that, really, I’m quite terrible at predicting the future. God aweful in fact. I don’t know if I’ve ever been right.

So. My new modus operandi is this. Play it day by day. Moment by moment.

So much of my life I spent worrying about a future that never happened, or planning for a wedding that never happened. Robbing myself of the richness of the current experience I was in. Spending beautiful moments in bed with my lover wondering if “this was it”, or if I was there yet, instead of cherishing the deliciousness of what was. Moments of creating expectations of grandure that then created expectations that weren’t lived up to. (though I’m starting to step into my daydreams now, taht’s a different article!) To moments of fear around money, if I spend this dollar on this now, I’ll start a cycle where all money disapears and never comes back (now it feels more like the natural cycle of breathing, in and out)

And so. It comes back to this. Presence. Be here, Be now. Be ALL here. Be Gentle with myself when I’m not, and bring awareness to that.

I held a ceremony today (very impromptu on the beach with friends and a beach dog)

“In the name of Dog, I now declare. That I create all of this. Every single peice. THe stuff I deem good, and the stuff I deem bad. I create it all. And if I deem it bad, that’s an opportunity to open up. And if I deem it good. Then that’s an opportunity to celebrate. I vow to open as much as I can, and celebrate as often as I can. To open up in smaller ways more often, and to celebrate in smaller ways more often. TO tell those I love that I love them, to accept and be present with and voice my fears, doubts and worries. TO love and be gentle with myself in all moments(as I can). And that’s all. That’s it.”

For those of you experiencing memory gaps, time warps and deja vu. I’m finding that the intense levels of presence in my every day life is leaving gaps in my memory. I’ve decided (and many of those I interact with agree). This is okay. Why do you need to remember yesterday when you’re having a blast today! Haha..

The things you DO remember are often the moments when you were less present than normal. Or the memories/moments where you were MORE present than normal, and there are multiple versions of your conscious self there.

Much love to you!!!

Elena

elena