Making the transition. to Self Love
I want to go on record, about living the dream. I’m currently experiencing my 5th consecutive season of summer. I spent the last 2 winters living in Mexico. Many (including myself) think this is living the dream. What I want to share is this.
Living and Loving the dream is an internal experience.
I was deeply extatic in mexico, I was also deeply depressed. I felt excited, empowered and also alone and abandoned. It all happened inside me, and was all thrown into extra contrast because I was (by many standards, including my own) living the dream life in paradise. When you are surrounded by crashing waves, palm trees, friendly people hugging you hello all the time, and a free umbrella at the beach side every day… Well.. All your misery comes up and says HEY! You can’t possibly be happy, not here not anywhere.
What it did for me was make me acutely aware that my own internal space is the measure of how much I enjoy my life. 🙂
So. When I returned to Calgary this spring, with a plan to travel to California, tour with a meditation technique I’ve synthesized, and go on gallivanting (all with a 2 year old!). And then suddenly, I paused, and wondered why I was still running. Why I was convinced that living out of a van with only my 2 year old as support would be a good idea. It was a plan (more like a story, than a plan, plans have action steps I do believe)… hatched out of a desire to feel isolated, alone, and to travel even more sporadically than I had before, a month here, a month there..
Then I took a moment to ponder WHY I moved to mexico in the first place. I was running away from winter. I was running away from a relationship, and actually from all my relationships. There was a piece of me that was deeply unable to love myself, and so could only accept 6 months of love and support at a time from those around me.
Something shifted in me. I went to a few gatherings within the first 2 weeks of being back, and realized. Oh. the people I’m looking for in California are right here, the person I want to be (is right here), the support, the understanding, the sense of calm. Along with the support of my family, and the friends I grew up with. Oh. Oh.. … Ohhhhhhh..
Something settled deep inside me, as I realized that I could now stay still, while also moving forward in my life because i am pulled by joy, in a loving and supportive place.
That I could create change not because I am being pushed or running away from fear, but because I felt it was a good and happy and healthy thing to do. Oh.
Since I returned, so many of the desires I thought I had, have dropped away. The externals of my life, the weather (oh how I used to fight mentally with the weather) is something that flows through the days. The most important thing. How do I feel in this moment? Is what propels me, and moves me through the moments in joy (and in acceptance of my non joy when that happens too).
Today I emailed my landlord in mexico and said “I’m not coming back next season”.. It blows my mind, and at the same time, my heart says, make friends, have friends, be a friend, you don’t need to run away any more.
So. For the foreseeable future I’ll be based out of Calgary. huh. Didn’t see that one coming.
And the best part is. That all of this understanding crystallized in the 2 months on either side of some of the most difficult times in my life. That’s of course cliché, but also true.
Along the way, the piece of me that hated me, burned itself up in the fire of frustration and overwhelm with every day life. I learned to accept my most disdained behaviours, and now I can actually say “I love myself” AND mean it. 🙂
There’s rough days, but those rough days are framed within a construct now that says “all the suffering, is in your head. You know exactly how to get out of it, as soon as you want to. If you want to stay in it, by all means, I’m here when you’re ready to let go and move on” I’m so greatful to myself, and to the many rituals of MagicHands for the space to create more love for myself, every day.
🙂 Thank you to each and every one of you who is reading. Thank you to those of you who reply back with gold stars, and little notes of encouragement, they mean so much to me. Thank you for the honest commentary, and the truth shared. :)Much Love,
ps. I promise I’ll write the next one about something that’s happening these days, instead of another mexico commentary.. lol.. It’s still fresh, and yes, a part of me is still grieving the loss of the “extraordinary paradise life”.. I accept and love myself in that!
pps. Here’s some more photos of Alex and I recently. If you want to see more, there’s a good selection over on my Facebook Page