The judgement around judgement (and letting it go)
I’ve found that the new age/self help movement teaches that judgement is the enemy.
I say judgement is the key.
When we offer our judgements to others, they grow! (either into more fear, which eventually leads to transformation, or as an opportunity to change and grow from a previously unconscious pattern, we almost never see our own shit)
Our judgments are their mirrors (and our own, because the advice we give them is our own best advice for ourselves)
Here’s an example. I got a call from my baby’s daddy. We’ve been on again off again for 2 years. Yesterday we seemed on again. Today, we’re definitely off again.
I got a phone message from him that says “You broke it. FIX IT! This is your fault.”
Judgement, yes. (and my response is something along the lines of “fuck you, you broke it!”)
How do I use this. I listen. Yes, there is part of me that feels like I broke it. I throughout the relationship did everything i could to “fix it” and am now resentful that it didn’t work out. What if I did more. This is being mirrored back to me. What if I did more. I didn’t do enough, I broke it.
And at the same time, when things were “on again” I stood firm “I’m not buying him a plane ticket to get down here, he’s got to do it on his own” . I will not help him.
There’s guilt in me, that says, you can’t just help him a little bit to get it started??
Here’s my thought process.
It’s a slipery slope! (fear). What we had was so magical, and it’s feeling like that again (hopeful). But he used me, I gave him everything and he gave me nothing (vengeance). You know that’s not true, he left you with baby alex, the most beauitful thing that’s ever happened to you (justification). And he offered you so much love! (defensive of him and of me staying) NO he fucking didn’t! He “claimed” love, and he sucked me dry. (bitter). Who cares. (appathy).
And to just BE with all those things, to acknowledge them in myself. Dissolves them.
I am now a new person. lol.
What was the original message? “You broke it. FIX IT! This is your fault.”
my response now.
Yup, I did break it. And that’s okay. Often things need to be destroyed for new things to grow and begin. If i destroyed our old disfunctional relationship, then we could in fact grow a new healthy relationship in it’s wake. Or, I move on to be by myself, or whatever the future may hold.
I could buy him a plane ticket. He’s not in a place to receive it right now anyways. And if he isn’t able to let go of the anger, we’ll just end up in the same situation but we’ll be physically closer.
With the added awareness of myself I gained from his comment. I choose to do as he suggested earlier and move on, to my next present moment, and go to the beach.